I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
