Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
