seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
