used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Randomize
