I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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