im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Randomize
