Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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