If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
