I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
