I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
