Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Randomize
