note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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