Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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