either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i would one night stand the shit outta him
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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