You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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