I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
