Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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