I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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