Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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