I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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