You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
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as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
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How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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