Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
