Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
