I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
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