in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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