I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
