i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Randomize
