You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Randomize
