I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
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She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's blow job season.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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