I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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