the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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