Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
