mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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