You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
