Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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