we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
