I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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