I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
