Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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