I accidentally had phone sex last night
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify