is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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