Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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