she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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