hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
