so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
