capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
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