I want to walk on stilts...naked
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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