You're so nebulous sometimes
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
