Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
What a dumb baby whore.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
