i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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