Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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