pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
