last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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