a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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