You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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