In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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